New Year. New Beginnings.

It's been a very long time since I posted. I was caught up in life and in a very private mode. I wanted to shelter my Reticent Amor (Secret Love) in hopes that it would last longer. I didn't want to hear anything negative from you, the readers. The few people in my personal life that I shared this relationship with had enough opinions, many of which I wasn't interested in hearing. Well the fact that we broke up is an example of what is meant to happen will happen. I didn't share my story with you and it ended anyway.

Another relevant saying is that all good things come to an end is true. We're over. I know I may have said that in my last post 5 mos ago (click here). LOL. But this time for real. We reconciled after that post and had ups and downs during that interim.

We broke up for good on 12/30. The reason? Irreconcilable differences. He felt I didn't love him enough and didn't go the extra mile that he needed. This issue was a recurring topic and I couldn't do anything to change his mind. In fairness, there was some truth to his feelings though no truth in not loving him enough or feeling that he wasn't worth it. We just has different ways of operating and he refused to believe in shades of gray regarding this area. Other contributors to our breakup included the complications related to a Reticent Amor - sneaking around, secret telephone lines, lying to friends and family, never being able to fully explore a normal (non secret) relationship.

So it's been almost 96 hours and I'm not sure how I'm holding up. He's asked me this question a number of times since our breakup and my answer has been consistent, "I don't know." The truth is that I'm numb. While I do believe our decision to end was a good choice, it's bittersweet. The sweetness is that I have an opportunity to reconnect with family, friends and most importantly myself. It's also sweet that neither of us was caught by our primary partners. The bitter is that we're ending a mostly fulfilling relationship. As he said, "when it was good, it was GREAT."

I'm not sure how to move on. How do I reconnect with me? For a year, he was my entire world. I spent every possible second dreaming about, talking about, talking to and spending time with him. Today, I ordered breakfast from my favorite diner and out of habit, also placed an order for him too. Only he wasn't joining me. SMH. Honestly I don't know how I'm going to deal with this. Based on the realm of positivity and a can-do attitude, I "know" that I'll be fine. Eventually. I'm just uncertain how long it will take me to get that place. I feel like I've lost one of my best friends. Our relationship was complicated but he was the one I shared the good and bad. He was my go-to person. Our relationship was about more than sex, which we rarely had. It was an emotional connection that seems hard to maintain in absence of a "relationship" though the foundation of our "relationship" was a friendship. I don't know...I just don't know.

What I do know is that I HAVE TO go on in a positive manner. Though, honestly I'd like to stay under the covers with no human contact for at least a week. My job and familial commitments don't allow for this luxury so I need to figure out a coping mechanism quickly. Thus far, I'm ignoring the situation but I know this solution can't last much longer. I shed my first tears today since the breakup but it was nothing significant. It hasn't hit me yet. I'm going to try to keep myself busy focusing on things that can help me. 2012 is a new year, with new beginnings. I put a lot on the backburner last year to focus on my now defunct relationship. Do I regret it? I don't know. I can't venture into that mental space right now. Instead I'm focusing on the future.

Have you ever had trouble dealing with a breakup? How did you handle it? Any advice for me???

Cooling Down

In the aftermath of last week's decision to not "love so hard," I feel weird.  How can you turn down your feelings for someone?  Unfortunately i'm not a faucet - things don't quite work that way.  

On some level, I feel at peace with our decision because I do believe it is what we both need. However, the prospect of actually implementing a cool down is scary.  What does it mean?  Does it mean that eventually we'll roll into friendship? Or less, since the majority of our relationship is emotional.  The stolen time we share is spent talking, eating and rarely sexing.  We kiss, we hug, we keep it relatively light and just enjoy each other's company.  

If I look at this objectively, we can still be good friends.  The dynamics will just change - not seeing each other as often or calling as much.  Not having such great expectations that are relationship-esque like expecting multiple calls a day, checking-in, dates, etc.  

So one part of me is welcoming of the prospect of having more time and space to focus on me and the things I've let go over the last few mos.  The other part of me is mourning the death of my relationship.  Well I guess only time will tell how this all plays out.  

Ever had to "cool down" your love for someone? Howdya do it?

I just wanna fuck

I. just. wanna. fuck.

I dont want to have any discussions about fucking.

Definitely don't wanna discuss hypotheticals about what could hinder our ability to fuck and how that could fucking hypothetically affect me.

Fuck all of that fucking talk.

Let's wait 'til we're in the fucking moment.

If we can fuck at that time then great.

Else we'll just have to move the fuck on.

MEN can be fucking annoying!


Have you ever just wanted to avoid the drama and fuck???

The Bitch In You...

"You're the type of woman who likes to be in control, yes?" "What makes you assume so?"
"I can just tell. You have this thing about you...."
"I'm a take charge woman, yes."
"So tell me, what type of situations have you been in where you 'take charge'?"
"Oh, I'm asked to do all sorts of things. Use strap-ons, mmf threesome, cuckolding..."


I went on to explain that cuckolding was when a man sits and watches as another man fucks his woman. He may just watch and beat off, or if open to it, he can participate by assisting, touching or licking both while in action. I also explained my thoughts about not necessarily believing that just because a man likes anal penetration performed on him by a woman, doesn't mean that he's homosexual. I told him that I enjoy pleasing my partner and if he is pleased by having me fuck his ass or by sharing a blowjob, then it pleases me.


"Hmmm...I bet you're wondering why I'm still sitting here and haven't bolted out of the bed yet, huh?"
"Actually, no, I'm not." I'm actually surprised he hadn't rolled over onto his stomach, to be honest.


One thing I've learned since I've been involved in this lifestyle is that if you give a man enough trust and space to believe that you won't judge him, the tiny little bitch inside him will come out to play. From some of the beefiest, most masculine men to the bisexually repressed, I've had some very "hetero-questionable" requests made and fulfilled.


Men live their lives with the expectation of being a strong, protecting force, of behaving in a "manly" way and assuming the role of the aggressor when it comes to sex. But behind closed doors, he wants to be controlled. Willing to submit, they want to be man-handled sometimes, only by a woman.


And I am only happy to oblige. Because though I represent myself outwardly as a "lady," I am more than willing to fuck the shit out of the bitch in you.

Have you ever exposed your partner's inner bitch? Tell us about it.

I'm Crushin On You

If you have not noticed but I come by your desk daily
Just to smell your sweet fragrance
Some days, I find peaches and
Other days, I smell a jasmine
Those fragrances make me long to roll around tangled by your arms, legs, and hair
I fantasize about our first time together, your sweat smelling and tasting
so yummy




If you have noticed but when we talk
I am staring in all the wrong places
I consume every inch of your curves-hoping to get lost
I admire your plump breasts
I imagine myself licking your hard nipples
Hoping that a little milk will flow onto my tongue





Other times I stare at your luscious lips
I find myself matching my breath to the beat of your lips moving
I'm thinking that those lips need to meet
my lips and tongue
I'm thinking that those lips want to suck and lick on my
dong; it's large, purple, and wants to make love to your lips (both sets)
I desire to make you tremble, scream in ecstasy, and long for me even more



If you have noticed but when we hang out
I make every attempt to touch you ever so slightly
I need my skin to touch yours
Your skin is deep brown suga
In fact, water makes your skin glisten like
caramelized apples ready for me to bite
I want to devour you.



If you have noticed but when we were together last Saturday night
I try with all my might to be the center of your attention
In fact, did you not peep my efforts to make you laugh
Or whisper in your ear so you would lick your lips
Knowing I hit your zone
I even sat close so my hand could
Linger on your thigh
I noticed that you did not move my hand
You even shifted it up real close to the
Honey spot



If you have noticed but I have a crush on you
And I'm too shy to tell you
Do you have a crush on me?

Water Pressure

Water.

Wet, warm, pulsing water.

You aren't really into astrology, but whenever you're in a situation like this, you remember you're a Cancer. Water sign. Drawn to water.

Drawn to this water. This Jacuzzi tub in this hotel in the middle of Texas. The conference has been long and boring and draining, and you're relaxing in a huge Jacuzzi tub alone. Candles. Bubbles. Music.

Water. Pulsing, warm, wet.

The jets are sending tiny bubbles cascading over your nipples, and they grow hard, aching from the pressure. You idly run your nails along the inside of your thigh, just enough to draw an angry line of pink, to draw a shiver down your spine despite the steam coming off the water, coming off your body.

You relax into the water more, arching your back and biting your bottom lip. Your hand moves from your thigh up your body to your nipple, pulling just a little bit.

Moving your hips juuuuust right, you catch one of the spray jets from the Jacuzzi at the ohmyfuckingghodsyes perfect angle, and that warm pulsing water hits your clit, hard, steady, unrelenting.

You close your eyes, your thoughts drift over old lovers, recent hookups, current partners. Soon your mind is nothing but a montage, a calvacade of images of cocks, nipples, pussies, asses, of you and others cumming over and over, as your hips buck against the steaming scented water in your hotel Jacuzzi.

The jet is unrelenting, the world's most persistent lover, and you almost bite through your lip to keep from screaming as you cum over and over again, the heat from the water and the endorphins from all those orgasms making you feel light and dizzy when you finally reach over and press the "stop" button on the jets.

Afterward you rub down with lotion, slip into your silk robe, and recline on the bed. You text your partner. "Had a bath. Much more relaxed now. Phone sex?"

When was the last time you floated away on your own bliss?